No Mo Chemo?

That's right.  After 7 and a half months of assorted cancer treatment, last Friday was my mom's last chemo.  I hesitate to say that the cancer show is over because for one thing, she still goes every week for Herceptin for the next year and will take Tamoxifen for five, and for another thing, if there's one thing that I've learned through this vicarious breast cancer experience, it's that cancer is never actually "over".

This realization comes after probably 4 or 5 times when we all thought "this is finally over".  Let me tell you, it's not.  If it's not 'one more' surgery, infection, reaction, chemo treatment, Herceptin treatment, dose of Tamoxifen, then it's the immeasurable number of appointments that plague life from the time that you are officially told "you have cancer".  There's CT scans, MRIs, PET scans, liver scans, LFTs, bone density scans, CBCs, etc.  Not to mention that for ever after, every ache, burn, or mole is suddenly a life threatening predicament and begs the question 'is it back?'.  And I don't say all this to be negative, because my mom, as well as SO many other cancer survivors, is able to celebrate another birthday, and probably another one after that, and another one after that, because of all of the wonderful medical advancements available to us today.  It's really pretty amazing.  I say it because I, like so many other people nowadays thanks to the aforementioned medical advancements, just don't think of cancer as a huge deal.  In most instances of breast cancer, women go on to not only survive, but to do quite well.  My mom doesn't have a lot of the health burdens that are caused by other diseases.  And she can still run every day, and went to work most of the time through all of this.  But all the same, breast cancer, and any cancer, is a MUCH bigger deal than I ever thought it could be.

Heading into surgery September 2, 2010

Afterwards, the happy clam and her two best friends

Merry Christmas from the Seear/Crandalls before chemo November 25, 2010

Chemo #1 December 17, 2010

The cancer center's first impression of us, and all of our garb

Mom's awesome nurse, April

Ladson, picking up the "ice getter and musher" role in our team

And mom on her last chemo, February 17, 2011.  Still has most of her hair!  Thanks ice caps.

The other thing that I have learned through this, and a thing that I don't think that this post would be complete without, is that when this type of 'tragedy' strikes, all kinds of people come out of the woodwork wanting to help.  But the interesting part of this, and the part that continually surprises me, is that these people are rarely who you would think that they would be.  They are, in a lot of instances, a random assortment of people that you may have liked and seen occasionally, but not people that you talk with or see on a daily basis.  On the other hand, there's a good number of people much closer to me who rarely if ever even asked how my mom was doing.  I'm assuming that this is due to just not knowing what to say.  So many people brought food and sent cards/flowers, and still are, though I don't see it as much since I'm not home any more.  It seems to me that these people are mostly those who have been touched by cancer in some way and want to make the experience just a little easier for someone else.  I think they're amazing, and I hope that I am never weary of helping someone because I don't feel that we have a close enough friendship.

On Grief: 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster.  Plans to give you a future and a hope."

-Jeremiah 29:11

As this adventure comes to a "close" (and I use that word lightly, see above), I've thought a lot about the stages of grief, and how each affected me during the first month or so, in the role of a family member (not that this was over after a month, but just that that's when it became more a part of my life rather than a huge mountain).  It just seems kind of crazy to me that 8 months ago, cancer was not a part of my life at all.  I was coaching swimming and planning our wedding and cancer rarely if ever even crossed my mind.  Since then, there hasn't been a day that it hasn't.  But it started out feeling huge and overwhelming, and now, it doesn't.  Oh Kubler Ross...

Denial:  In July, I just knew that when my mom went back to get her scan after being diagnosed with cancer, that there was going to have been a mistake.  The tumor wouldn't be there, maybe a cyst, no tumor though.  I'm not sure whether to call this optimism, or denial.  But Kubler Ross calls it denial.  I actually still think it was optimism.  But maybe not.  Doctors make mistakes a lot, and charts can get mixed up, and people jump to conclusions.  Part of me knew that this wasn't the case, because I went back and forth between this denial/optimism, and the idea that really, our family has been pretty blessed in the past (surely our time is up) and that God had stacked the deck perfectly for her to have cancer.

Then, you start to notice that people are looking at you like your whole sad situation makes them want to cry, which makes you want to cry, and that's irritating.  And I think that's a precursor to the next stages...

Anger:  I have heard that it's OK to be mad at God.  That He can handle it.  And for a while, overlapping with denial, I couldn't shake the thought that God should pick on someone else.  I was about to get married, and now, during this time that was already full of change, a time when I really needed my mom, God decided to do this.  AND, I wanted to be a newly wed and focus all of my time on how fantastic my life was, and this wasn't how I saw things going.  Like most bad things, it was hard to see that this wasn't forever, and would hardly crucify my fantastic newlywed life.  It felt like He was doing it TO me.  Personally.  And worse than that, that He'd decided to drag my mom into this (side note:  I realize how irrational this sounds, but I'm being honest).  And in case that wasn't enough, apparently God missed what God-honoring people that my elderly grandparents had always been, because if He hadn't, then He wouldn't be giving their daughter cancer, stressing them out.  And the rational part of me knows that this is now how God works, and that God works all things together for good (per Romans 8:28 I believe), but there's a difference, as John Bishop has pointed out, between knowing it and feeling it.  And I have certainly had days when I didn't 'feel it'.  That doesn't mean it's not still true.

Bargaining:  I've never been a bargainer, but I can distinctly remember a few thoughts of mine that definitely qualify as 'bargaining'.  In developmental psychology, these thoughts are on a preschool level, magically thinking that you have more power than you actually do.  That by some twist of fate, one bad thought or word about my mom could literally cause this to happen.  "God, I'm really sorry for the times that I didn't appreciate my mom.  But this isn't funny, and I'd appreciate it if you'd take your tumor back.  Thanks"...."OK, I will make a point to be nicer to my mom if you'd take the tumor back", etc.  And then of course that awful trap that people fall into.  "Is it OK to still be happy?" and "Will being happy somehow upset fate and cause this to get worse?".  Of course, I didn't think those exact questions, but looking back, that sums up the feeling.  My awesome photographer told me outside of our church following our wedding meeting, like she was reading my mind, that it was still OK to be happy and excited about our wedding, and that made me feel better.  And all of this sounds really dramatic and it is, but it's just how it is.

I was sure by now, God that You would have reached down,

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say Amen,

and it's still raining,

As the thunder rolls,

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you..."

Depression:  You know when you're sad, and you cry, and then it starts to feel really good?  And then it feels SO good, that you want to keep crying, so you think of all of these other things that make you sad, and then you latch on to a phrase or sentence that'll make you cry ever harder?  (Dane Cook's description, not mine)  That's exactly what this was like to me.  Most people are aware that I only have my mom, so my phrase that made me sadder (a cross between anger and sadness), was "God, why can't you do this to someone who still has both of their parents?".  And some variations of that phrase.  This feeling would come on mainly when I knew that my mom was in pain.  Most people can attest that watching someone you love in pain can be just as bad as experiencing the pain yourself.  I guess because when it's YOUR pain, you can do something about it, but when it's someone else's, you just have to sit there not really being able to help.

Acceptance:  I think I accepted this as part of my life a few weeks into it.  Of course, since then, I can think of times when my thoughts have been peppered with anger and/or sadness, but those thoughts get further and further apart to the point to that now, I can't remember the last time that I felt true unadultered anger or sadness.  And it has certainly been FAR from a circumstance that would positively destroy my life or even really hamper my happiness.  God has really blessed me and my family, to the point that I have a hard time getting to my prayer requests past all of the "thank you"s that I have.  So such is life.  And now, it's over.  Kind of.

I'll praise You in this storm,

And I will lift my hands,

For You are who You are,

no matter where I am,

and every tear I've cried,

You hold in Your hand,

You never left my side,

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise You in this storm

Valentines :)

The first time that I saw Sean, or registered seeing Sean, he had his back to me in a building in Clemson, and Lyndsey pointed him out to say "that's Nick's brother".  I had that feeling about him, like I knew him but wasn't sure from where (and I don't think it was from having seen Nick's picture).  A deja vu feeling if you will.  And I knew very shortly after that, maybe even before we ever talked, that I would marry him.  Obviously, I was right.  I think that that feeling is super weird.  Sean said that when we went into the apartment building that we live in for the first time, he felt that same familiar "I've been here" feeling, and knew that we would live here.  I guess that's God's way of putting a sense of familiarity about certain people/things/places to point us in the right direction.

According to Sean, the first time that he saw me was at a square dance, where we didn't talk.  After that, the first time that he remembered talking to me was with a group of people walking to CP group.  He said that I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt that said "Clemson Equestrian", and that he took that as a means to an end and started asking me about the equestrian team in order to strike up a conversation.  He referenced that same "at home" feeling talking to me and I talked about when I first saw him.  I think that's really crazy.

So here we are 4 years later.  Anyway, we celebrated Valentine's last weekend in uptown, but I like celebrating on the day, so I decorated our apartment, and tried my hand at making surf and turf.  It was a fun deviation from our standard meals, so here's some pics.

Appetizer cheese in my 50 cent Valentine's bowls

Pretty table :) With the pretty flowers that Sean brought me.

Surf and Turf dinner

Brownie cake that was so delicious

Sean got a book and a movie, and I got tickets to Cirque du Soleil's Alegria, which comes to Charlotte at the end of July.  It's pretty far in the future, but I'm psyched.

I love Valentine's at home.

Lobster Crudo...And Other Fine Cooking Skills

On Saturday, Sean and I went to the cooking class that I got him for his birthday.  It was at Upstream, a restaurant right next door to our apartment, which is nice since we could walk and Saturday was really pretty.

This particular class wasn't hands on, so we basically hung out and watched the chef cook while he explained everything.  We learned a bunch of stuff, some of which maybe I'll be able to put into practice.  I think some people must be regulars and do it every month because they seemed to know everyone and asked a million questions and took tons of notes.  

The first course was chilled lobster crudo, which turns out means that the lobster is slightly undercooked.  It had a lemon vinaigrette and caviar involved in it as well.  I think the highlights of this part were learning how to shove a wooden pick up the lobsters tail to keep it from curling, putting the lobster in simmering water rather than boiling (a tip that helped me make valentine's dinner), and learning to cook lobster for 6 minutes/lb.  Pretty helpful.

The next course was pickled blue oysters with baby beets.  I'm gonna go ahead and say this wasn't my favorite, so I neglected everything that was said about it.

Next was Togarashi Seared Hawaiian Ahi Tuna which was AWESOME.  I had no idea how to sear tuna (actually I didn't know what searing was at all), and now I do.  And I think it's delicious, so we'll use that.  It was made with sweet potatoes, which were really good, but a little more complicated than I like to get with sweet potatoes, so I guess I'll do it easier.  It was awesome though.

Lastly was the best part, the dark chocolate and almond tort.  I've never learned how to make tort, so I'm glad I know now.  Sean gave me a hard time for checking out that recipe the whole time everything was being cooked.  Anyway, we came away really full with a list of all of the recipes, so overall a great way to spend Saturday.  Followed by a long run in an effort to work this great meal off.

Red Carpet Premier

The church that Sean and I go to in Charlotte had its 5-year anniversary this past week.  It's grown to over 8,000 in regular attendance in that time, so to celebrate, a documentary was produced by one of the associate pastors about the story of the church.  The 'Red Carpet Premier' was Friday night so that's how we spent the evening.  Let me just say it was awesome.

The documentary is called 'This is How We Change the World' (Trailer).  It was mine and Sean's first red carpet premier of anything and our expectations were definitely exceeded...complete with red carpet, ice sculpture, the band, awards show, and all.  Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures prior to the event because we didn't have power for the 20+ hours preceding it (thanks to a drunk driver who hit our power pole), which made us late, and also made us sit on the back row.  But I do have a grainy far-away, low-quality video of an award being given, and a few pictures.

Totally awards show/movie premier style and it gave us a reason to dress up which is always fun.

The Band

-Maria

Graduation

2 months ago, I got 3 graduation certificates:  Clemson University, School of Nursing, and Calhoun Honors College.  I'm happy to announce that as of Monday, I can add a fourth:  "Wilton Cake Decorating".  That's right, yours truly has completed cake decorating basics in the event that nursing doesn't work out.  Next on my list is "Gum Paste and Fondant".

Over the course of my class, I learned how to make really slimy icing that it takes forever to wash out, make some basic cakes, and decorate with several "techniques" to include: star characters, several flowers, dots, and a few others.  We also did some cookie decorating, and cupcakes which I thought was the most fun, but didn't get a picture of.  I think it was worth it to use up some of my free time to become just a little bit more domestic.  Anyway, here's a small sampling of my new work.

My first cake.  Disclaimer:  the fish isn't totally random.  We could only pick from a few designs.

My ribbon rose 'Happy Birthday' cake.  Since it wasn't a birthday, I just went with 'Day'.  Also disclaimer:  in my free time I haven't been downing bourbon.  That's from a pudding recipe :)

So here I am, Registered Nurse slash Basic Cake Decorating Artist.  I'm sure that my children will be ever so thrilled that we won't be ordering their birthday cakes from Publix :)

Superbowl XLV

I'm not a huge football person, but I do like the Superbowl, mainly because I like potlucks and Superbowl parties have that element.  Sean and I celebrated this occasion with 2 Superbowl parties in Charlotte and had a really good time, but here's the highlights:

Buffalo Chicken Dip (my go-to bring-to-a-party dish)

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts that you boil

Ranch dressing

2-3 packs Cream Cheese

Cheddar Cheese

Frank's Buffalo Wing Sauce

Photo jacked from allrecipes.com

1.  Pull boiled chicken apart into little pieces (it's better pulled than chopper-ed)

2.  Put about half Ranch and half Buffalo sauce into the bowl of chicken pieces

3.  Keep pouring more, half and half, until there's a really good bit

4.  Put about 2 1/2 blocks of Cream Cheese in a casserole dish and warm until softened

5.  Spread Cream Cheese around the bottom and pour chicken mix on top

6.  Put Cheddar Cheese to your liking on top

7.  Heat for about 25 minutes at 350

Other highlights include an awesome white chocolate amaretto dip that another girl in our small group (Erin) made.  She said it's from a package and I have no photo, but it was delicious.  She also managed to roll her dip into a ball which I thought was impressive since I tried earlier in the day to do that with my chocolate chip cheese cake ball and ended up giving up and putting it in a bowl.  As well as this commercial lesson from Bridgestone on Karma:

And of course that the Packers won.  Sean tells me that's who we were pulling for.  And the half-time show too.  I thought it was really good.

.5 Years of Happiness

Sean and I have been married .5 years as of tomorrow, February 7th.  1% of the way to our Golden Anniversary.  We're all about the little things and are still enjoying this gig, so we spent the weekend celebrating that major milestone (and Valentine's Day).  A marriage weekend if you will.

On Friday, I made no less than what I'd consider a Mexican feast while it poured down rain, so we hung out at home and watched a movie.  I love that kind of date because since it's cold and rainy, you don't feel guilty about hanging around at home.

Sean, who is the best husband ever, planned our date for Saturday.  Even though we barely live 10 minutes from uptown, it's a lot different in uptown than it is in Southpark, so Sean booked what was an awesome deal on a room at the Westin in uptown Charlotte.  We checked in around 1:00 and headed to the gym to prepare for an amazing dinner (we have to prepare our bodies in advance for those because it helps to enjoy the meal when you're not stuck on what it's doing to your waistline).  Did some swimming, and spent a long (very relaxing) hour or so in the sauna reading.  Then we headed up to get ready for dinner.  Sean had picked out a restaurant in advance that was just a block from the hotel on the green, Aquavina, and had even decided what we should eat, which consisted of a variety of appetizers and dessert.  After that we took a walk around uptown in the overstreet mall and Epicentre and headed to the Knight Theater for a show.  We saw UNC's a cappella group, the Clef Hangers.  I do have to admit that I was sceptical of another a cappella group being as amazing as Clemson's TigerRoar, but they were awesome.  I will say that it was weird to have everyone stand up and sing UNC's fight song at the end, but we'll take what we can get.  It is always a little better with Tiger Rag as the finale of any and everything though.

The view of Charlotte from our hotel room

All in all, great weekend with my great husband.  I absolutely cannot believe that we've been married for SIX months.  It feels like we got married yesterday...but at the same time like our wedding was forever and a day ago.  Anyway, either way, in the words of Sean's old co-worker, I think I'm really lucky to have made a really good decision when I was really young.

In the green, which is in the center of uptown

Honor's Reward

Part 1 (there's two parts.  the part that I originally sat down to write, and the part that I thought was crucial to understanding that actually turned out to be different, but still worth leaving):

I don't have the answer to why it seems like prayer doesn't work sometimes, and sometimes when you need it to work the most, nothing seems to happen, but I do have an interesting notion, based on an interesting book, based on a really interesting passage.  I've thought a lot about it, and now that I have a blog on which to pen my thoughts, I figured I'd share.  The book is one that Sean and I are studying in a small group entitled "Honor's Reward", by John Bevere.  You can download some of his stuff for free on itunes as a side note.  Anyway, the book is based on a passage in the Bible where Jesus is in Nazareth and is teaching at the synagogue.  Those in attendance asked where Jesus got his wisdom, saw him as the ordinary guy from down the road, and didn't believe Him.  The passage that the book is based on is Mark 6:4-6:

"Then Jesus told them 'a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family'.  And because of their unbelief he could not do any mighty miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them.  And he was amazed at their unbelief"

In the passage, Jesus was limited.  He COULD NOT do any mighty works.  In other passages, Jesus raised people from the dead, fed the 5000, etc.  Backtracking in the passage, it is because they with held honor from him.  I could talk about this book for a long time and the concept of rewards, but you can buy the book or look up reward passages in the Bible.  It's just interesting that without HONOR, Jesus is restricted.  So if I'm not honoring God in my life and obeying his commands, then I can't expect him to do mighty works in my life.  If I don't HONOR Him in my finances, then I can't expect Him to come running and REWARD my financial situation.  If I don't HONOR God in my relationships, then I can't expect God to do mighty things in my relationships. Interesting thought, because I know that I, as well as tons of other people, are quick to pray to God for help, but not so quick to Honor.

Part 2:

I thought that the previous was well worth writing down, but I sat down originally to write the next part.  We're doing the workbook along with the book and there was a question about people that we know with what Bevere calls a "Grandfather Anointing", which he uses to describe John, who wrote another passage that the book focuses on.  When these people speak, the wise listen.  It's an anointing that people arrive at after living long and well, following a life calling, a post of assurance and strength.  The author says that he has had a handful of encounters with these types of people and outlines a few common characteristics.  For the sake of understanding, I'm going to repeat them.

1.  They instinctively locate the heart of the matter.  They don't beat around the bush, or waste time with the unimportant.

2.  They say much in very few words.

3.  The words that they choose are utter and weighty.  As a result, you might find yourself mediating on just a few words spoken by such an individual for months.

As a sidenote, I am one of the very few and very lucky 20-somethings people who have all four of my grandparents still living.  They are not young either.  All in their mid-80's-mid-90's, and all awesome.  Sean has 3 of his, and is lucky enough to have a working memory of all 4.  So last night, when we were asked in this book to identify who, if any, are those that we have met with a "Grandfather Anointing".  We had a lot to choose from just in our very close circles but looked at each other in perfect unison and said "Pops".  My grandfather carries all three qualities like no one that I've ever met.  So I wanted to take a second to honor him and his weighty words and picked a few to share.  Words that I've mediated on seemingly countless times.

1.  Sometimes, you have to smile at people that you don't like and give them candy.

2.  Always tell the truth, but don't always be tellin' it.

3.  Sean, Maria, I'm going to tell you something and I want for you to listen really close.  Kids mess up.  And they mess up a LOT.  And you just can't get upset.  

I wish I had a tape so I could upload these sentences complete with his slow, deep, old man voice, but I don't.  I have NEVER heard ONE, even one, negative word about anyone come out of his mouth.  He has taken adversity in stride, never felt sorry for himself, never complains.  Everyone loves him, he says what he means, and means what he says.  He works hard and has worked hard his whole life.  He loves his family sacrificially, and has put up with things that would send your average person over the edge.  His first concern is never what he's having for dinner, but what YOU'RE having for dinner, if you get my drift.  He gives of everything that he has.  He knows the Bible and understands it.  I can't put my grandfather into words, but know that the term "Grandfather Anointing" was practically made for him. 

When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas.

Sometimes I wish that I'd already started work, but today isn't one of those days because for the past few weeks, we have had a crisis at our apartment.  Namely, we have been infested with fleas.  Gross.  I know because I was sitting on our den floor a few days after Christmas and had one jump onto my hand.  Since then, there have been a few more similar events.

After establishing that we do have a problem, we narrowed down the culprit.  I knew it wasn't me since I wasn't itchy (at least I wasn't until I found out what I found out later in this story), so that leaves two family members as possible flea bags:

Sean..

And the guilty party (watching it snow outside like he's got nothing to hide)

I know that Mogatu is the guilty party because shortly after seeing the flea in the den, I saw one on him.  I haven't seen one on Sean.  Anyway, initially I got the cheapest flea medicine on the market, gave it to Mogs, and started a daily flea-removing regimen with a flea comb (the one-by-one method if you will).  Sean's uncle Mark evidently also thinks that the one-by-one method is the way to go because he suggested ridding ourselves of fleas by wearing white socks around the apartment while carrying a cup of sugar water, and as we see them, picking them up and drowning them.  While the thought process is good, I googled what to do in search of a less painstaking method.  That's when I learned that only 5% of the household's fleas actually live on the animal.  I removed 26 fleas from Mogatu yesterday over several flea picking sessions, meaning that in our apartment live another 520 fleas plus eggs plus larvae.  So now I'm itchy, and still am.  The experience is similar to having a common cold only to go on WebMD and find out you're dying.

So the first thing that I did this morning was head to Petsmart to wage war on these bugs.  I moved all of the furniture, did some serious vacuuming and spread flea stuff everywhere.  Washed all sheets/tablecloths/his toys, cleaned the couch, all cushions, all pillows, all chairs...my living room is a mess.  And after you do it, you and cat have to stay out of the room for two hours, so currently, fleabag and I are camping out in my room (thus giving me tons of time to bore you with flea details and make it utterly obvious that I have no life).  After that, he'll get a flea bath and some more expensive (effective) medicine, and I'll do the flea regimen in my room the same as the den.  So after all of this work that I'm dedicating my day to, they better all die.

Seeing as how this all occurred mysteriously on an indoor cat right after Christmas, it's my belief and not Sean's that Mogs' friend/Sean's family's dog Max may have brought him fleas after going outside for a poo.  Mogs wasn't being flea treated at the time and loves Max and I'm sure that he slinked his way around Max just enough to accept all of his fleas.  Lesson for Mogs: when you lie down with dogs, you get fleas.  Lucky for him, his mom has plenty of time to dedicate a day to de-fleaing.

A bathed and hopefully flea-less Mogs post-bath, probably thinking about how lucky he is to 

live in a south Charlotte apartment with 2 people who love him