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The Cume: And What I Wish I Would Say...

The Cume:  An awkward silence caused by a social faux pas

For the past year and then some since Sean and I have been married, I’ll occasionally get a comment that I can never seem to figure out a response for.  Most of the time, the comment comes from someone that I just met, or hardly know, and oftentimes from someone whose own marriage, which was often done later in life, failed, making it all the more confusing to respond to.  The comment is always some variation of “you’re too young to be married”.  Sometimes it comes in the form of a question: “Why did you get married so young?” or sometimes in the form of a reprimand: “gah, you had your whole life ahead of you” or “you just change SO much in your twenties.  I just can’t imagine getting MARRIED” or my personal favorite “you’re MARRIED? (disgusted face)”.  I’ll go ahead and say, that there are certainly other social decisions more damning than being married in your twenties that seem to catch no slack, but for the sake of concentrating on this particular social faux pas, I’ll stick to the aforementioned social decision to marry young.

There are a few questions that I have for people who make these comments, but I think that the one that resonates with me the most, is “what response, exactly, are you looking to get out of me?”  Are you looking to just put in your 2 cents casually and go on? Are you looking for me to get defensive?  Do you think that I’m going to say something along the lines of ‘ya know, I never thought about that.  I’m going to go home RIGHT NOW and tell my husband that we’re actually too young to be married’.  Do you think that that makes me like you?  Do you want me to list off my credentials and why I think that I’m NOT too young to be married?  Do you want me to go through a process of elimination showing marriage as the best option? If I looked straight at someone and ASKED what response they were looking for, it’d of course, look defensive, like this blog post, but honestly, I’m curious.  In addition to that, I’d like to offer up my response, which would of course colloquially be quite extensive.  So I’m going to write it instead, and start referring people to thisgreatnewlife.blogspot.com for answers.  In reality, it’s probably more of a venting.  As a disclaimer- I do not believe that there is a magic age at which people should get married.  But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding the right person at the ripe old age of 22…

What’s interesting about the mindset of “you’re too young to get married” is that they are actually wrong, on all 3 accounts that I, and probably most people, consider.  The reasoning used by people who make this comment sounds ridiculous and wrong.  Statistically, these people are wrong.  And Bibically, they are wrong.

First, I’d like to address reasoning that I’ve been given for the “you’re too young” mindset, and why they sound silly when actually examined:

• You’re giving up your freedom:  So marriage is a lament of my freedom.  Ideally, I should romp around doing whatever I feel like doing because my twenties are about ME.  I should have spent a LOT of time practicing being really selfish before getting married.  By doing that, I will mature into a selfless person who will be willing to lay down my life to serve another person in a happy marriage.  Sounds logical…
• You should “date around”:  Ideally, I should have broken up with someone that I had happily dated for 4 years, and instead “date around” until people start making comments about why I’m NOT married, all the while trying to find someone TO marry.  And when I’m 29, I can cry to my friends about being always a bridesmaid and never a bride.  The people that I would be “dating around” will probably turn out to be amazing husbands and fathers once they eventually propose to me, because they too, will be living out their “freedom in their 20’s”.  They will, of course, need to sleep around with many women during their “freedom” and there’s tons of evidence to support that the more women you sleep with before you’re married, the more likely you are to stay faithful to your wife.  Really…
• You could just live together:  So we could PRACTICE being married without the commitment of actually BEING married.  And THAT’S how I can get more practice with the commitment that I’ll need in marriage.  And then I have the freedom to break up and PRACTICE divorce.  I’m not going to bother saying much about that only because any study you look at shows cohabitation as a “categorically unstable arrangement”.  Nice…
• You should have some financial stability: Being broke and single makes MUCH more sense than being broke and married.  Paying TWO rents, for TWO sets of apartment stuff, for TWO sets of stuff at the grocery store, not to mention having NO marital tax breaks actually sounds logical.  When you look at it logically, and not in a “popular opinion” light, marriage is actually the most efficient “wealth creating institution” that there is.  I’d like to hear a good argument as to why it’s not because while that’s disputed, I have yet to hear a valid reason, or actually, a reason at all why.  In our case, both of us managed to land good jobs.  Plenty of people in their late 20’s, in addition to having spent the last 10 years barely making ends meet, also racked up thousands in credit card and student debt.  And then everyone assumes they’re ready for marriage because they ARE in their late 20’s.  How financially secure…

Secondly, I’d like to address the fact that people who tell me that I married too young are statistically wrong.

• A study entitled “Later First Marriage and Marital Success” found that people who marry later in life DO fare well in survival, but poorly in quality.  According to these particular data sets though, the longest, highest quality marriages were among people who married between the ages of 22 and 25.  Sounds like I should be pretty miserable mourning my “freedom”. 
• The paper also stated that most people have little or nothing to gain in the way of marital success by postponing it until the later 20’s.  Just more time spent doing the aforementioned “dating around looking for someone to marry”.  Ironic.
• This research was confronted by a man named Norvel Glenn, who in that confrontation found that self-reported marital happiness is the GREATEST for women who married between the ages of 22-23.  Again, happiest?  What about all of those eventual regrets…
• Statistically, even the argument that young marriages are more likely to end in divorce is also pretty faulty.  That IS true for people who marry in their teens, but according to an article in the Washington Post, it’s not true after around 20.  Considering other variables, among young people who waited until they were married to have sex, the divorce rate is a statistical zero, in every single study that I could find.  That’s a lot lower than the 50% rate that society boasts.   
• Somewhat addressing the finance reasoning, statistically, married adults at ANY income level, report being happier than the wealthiest single adults.  This still holds true when the study is limited to only 18-29 year olds.
• Addressing freedom statistically, 64% of married people report satisfaction with their personal life.  That’s compared with 43% of single people.  Wish I had more time to work on personal satisfaction before I got married…
• Married people live longer, and have less health issues.  You’re never too young to do something good for your health J 

Thirdly, I’d like to address why Bibically, “you’re too young to be married” is wrong.  Briefly, only because just a cursory glance at the Bible would lead someone to believe that God actually likes marriage. 

• Ecclesiastes 4:9: Two are better than one.  For a number of reasons.  I thought “two” meant a lament of your freedom and financial disaster, certainly not a better return for work…
• Jesus performed his first miracle on this earth, at a wedding of all places.  Probably because he just hates weddings…
• Genesis 2:18:  It is not good for man to be alone.   But God, He’s in his TWENTIES!  He needs at least 10 years to drink and sleep around. 
• And lastly, I will call attention to God’s purpose for marriage which is obvious in Ephesians 5:23.  This is the verse encouraging wives to submit to their husbands (often taken out of context) and goes on to say that men should love their wives as Christ loves the church.  He gave up His life for the church.  Which tells me that the purpose of marriage is to be a show of sacrifice to mimic to the world the relationship between Christ and the church.  To make you Holy, NOT, despite ALL of these statistics that show that it does, to make you happy.  In that context, as a Christian, there is not an age at which you are all of the sudden allowed to show someone the love that Christ showed the church.  God chose MARRIAGE as the way in which His love would be displayed.  Call me crazy, but sounds to me that God Himself is a proponent of the decision to marry young. 

Ultimately, I think that marital happiness is the responsibility of the parties involved, not the age at which you get married.  I am by no means a proponent of getting married just because you’re young, or of getting married if you don’t feel like that’s the best course of action, but I did, and I felt like I should address at length my response to this tacky social comment.  So I’ll probably continue to just look at people with a “what exactly do you want me to say?” look on my face when they make the comment upon meeting me that “you got married too young”.  Because I don’t have the time in one conversation to explain a) just how inaccurate that comment actually is, and b) how much I LOVE being married.  So now you know, if you’ve read this blog, not to comment on how grievous of an indiscretion a young marriage is.  It just sounds dumb, it’s wrong, and it makes a terrible first impression.

Submission

After months of denial, entertaining the idea that by some miracle I wouldn't end up having to work night shift at the end of 6 months, I have begun to realize that it's looking like in 2 weeks, it's actually going to happen.  Presbyterian Hospital was being serious in my contract.  They didn't change their minds and decide that maybe I'd be better suited for day shift.  So, considering this revelation, I've gone ahead with my first act of submission to my new lifestyle.  THESE are on their way to my house.  It pained me just a little bit to actually pay money to block the sun out of my life.  Insult to injury, if you will.  In fact ,the first time that I went to order them, I started to feel like I might cry and had to leave.  So I waited, knowing that these take 14 days to deliver, until the very. last. possible. day.  Just in case, you know, Presby changed their minds.

As someone who's far from a night owl, night shift will be an adjustment.  I can honestly say that I do think that I can do it.  And I don't think that I'll hate it.  But nonetheless, since I found out back in January that night shift was in my future, I've had a spirit of timidity about it.  Lucky for me, turns out I know tons of people who know about night shift.  And this is the advice that I've gotten...

"It just takes getting used to".."You're going to HATE it.  You'll have to be away from Sean, and you. will. hate. it."..."save your tears for the first night of night shift because that's gonna SUCK."...."it's much more relaxed at night.  and the people on nights are really nice."...."the worst part is 3-5 am"..."the worst part is looking out the window knowing that everyone is tucked into their warm beds except for you"..."the first week, I felt like I was going to die.  by week 4, I was going to get my car washed."..."the weirdest part is knowing when to eat"..."after you get passed the screwed up body chemistry, it's really not that bad"..."the best part is around 5, when you know that people are getting up, taking their showers, and getting ready to come relieve you"..."you're gonna get SICK"..."there comes a point, sometime around 3-4, when you think that if you can't go home in the next 5 minutes that you're just going to start crying"..."you wanna see a bad mood?  wait 'til 3 am"..."think of all of the MONEY you can make on NIGHT SHIFT!"...and of course everyone has their ideas on how to arrange my life around it, all of which I'm taking into account.

But the Voice of truth,

tells me a different story, 

the Voice of truth,

says 'do not be afraid',

the Voice of truth,

says 'this is for My glory',

And out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe,

the Voice of truth..

The Worst Disservice

As a precursor to my story, Jesus makes it abundantly clear in the Bible that He LOVES children.  I don’t even feel like it’s necessary to site specific verses to prove that, because I think it’s so obvious.  And I think, given that background, that the worst people to dishonor/lead astray/devalue are children.  Especially your own.  The Bible gives instruction after instruction regarding instruction of your children.  Unfortunately, however, it seems to me in my work and in life in general, that obvious devaluing of children is a common tendency. 

Last week, I had the opportunity to teach a small group of first graders in Elevation’s elementary school ministry and was told something by a 6 year old that has weighed heavily on my heart ever since.  I was explaining to them the most well known verse of the Bible, John 3:16.  For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.  This verse is, in and of itself, descriptive of the Gospel, the entire basis of the Christian faith.

We talked about love, and how VERY much God loves them.  The kids told me about all of the people whom they love, and about the people who love them.  Next, we talked about the gift that God gave to us.  In an effort to show them what a BIG gift God gave us when he sent His son to die for us, I asked them: have you ever had to give something away that you loved in order to help someone else?  They told me about various puppies, kittens, and old toys, and we talked about how hard it is to give away what you love.  And then, I started to change the subject to my main point: what if your mommy or daddy had to give YOU away?  

I was expecting somewhat of a shock factor.  An understanding, on some level, that God must REALLY love us if he gave His SON for us.  But what a 6 year old in my group told me really surprised me.  What she told me, was this: “but if a mommy doesn’t really want her baby then she just throws them in the dumpster”.

Yep.  If a mommy doesn’t want her baby, then she can put it in a dumpster.  REALLY?  This kid is 6.  And unfortunately, at 6, she sees a trend in society for parents to view their OWN CHILDREN as optional.  She sees parental love as conditional.  She doesn't see giving children away as difficult.  In fact, she sees it as convenient.  After all, if that's what the mommy wants.  And she relates that to God.  And this kid, I feel it's important to point out, is from an intact family.  She doesn't strike me as distressed in any way, she's just telling me what people do.  What's one option if you don't want your kid.

I was caught off guard enough to spend a minute talking about how people who do that are very sick, and how that’s not how mommies and daddies are supposed to treat their children.  But the damage is done, and the analogy, obsolete.  How are children supposed to understand the incredible gift that God gave to us when people give up or disregard their children all of the time as soon as parenthood is inconvenient for them?  And how are children supposed to understand the unconditional love of Christ if they've never experienced that type of love.  If the only physical “father” that they know treats them as disposable?

I think that most people would agree that deadbeat parents cause great disservice to their children.  Children from the adversity of a broken home are, statistically, more likely to live in poverty, have learning disabilities, be depressed, commit suicide, enter into abusive relationships/marriages, get divorced themselves, etc. But quite possibly, the greatest disservice of all, is that by treating their children so optionally, they make what is the most important thing that children could hear, the Gospel, almost impossible to comprehend. 

It’s a thought that I’ve heard more than once that the most obvious way for the devil to destroy our relationships with God is at the level of the family.  If you can create havoc in a family, then you place a child at greater risk for all of the aforementioned adversity, you can create a normalcy that includes fake loyalty, conditional love, and advancement of an individual at the expense of everyone else, even their families.  And you can, thereby, destroy the faith of children, faith that is cited in the Bible as a benchmark for everyone one else by Jesus Christ Himself.  That.  Is sad.

My Favorite Day of the Year

Up until this year, I'd have to say that one of my favorite days of the year has always been Divisionals.  I LOVE it.  It's the culmination of a season of hard work by summer swimmers and on a lesser scale, the culmination of a week of fun.  In the past, this week has included tacky skate nights, photo scavenger hunts, shaving cream fights, and messy games.  Although I didn't get to participate this year since I am, for the first time in 21 years, not swimming or coaching, Sean and I did make it out to see some of Divisionals.  I always love seeing the kids and the spirit in general of summer swim team.  I didn't take too many pictures, but I will leave you with the few that I did take, and a selection of summer fun from the last few years.

Austin and me at this year's divisionals

Emily, Emilie, and Chloe

Tacky Skate night

Photo credit to Kim Deloach

Shaving cream fight

Photo credit to Kim Deloach

I hope Charlotte has fun summer swim team.  I can't imagine having kids without it.

Date Weekend :)

Sean and I spent last weekend on a weekend-long date.  After entering the working world, I hate to admit that summer hasn't been our favorite season.  It's just been annoyingly hot.  And I'm not one to describe "hot" as annoying.  In the past, it's been a time for the pool, vacations, and light work...but it hasn't been this summer.  We've been to the pool once, and instead of being the summer-loving people that we once were, have become people who are thinking of summer as a time when our clothes aren't comfortable and our electric bill triples.  Yep.  So we dedicated the weekend to rekindling our love of summer and each other with some outdoor dining and fun in the sun..

Yes, I'm going to be someone who posts pictures of their dinner.  Because this rivaled any restaurant and I got the recipe for the main part from my favorite cookbook, Betty Crocker's Cookbook for Women, which is a book that you need if you don't have.  

 A close up of my masterpiece, tuna steaks with kiwi and avocado salsa with wild rice.  I made She-Crab soup as our side.

 Dessert from the same cookbook, orange cream with mandarin oranges and granola.  What I love about that cookbook is that everything is amazing and it's all pretty healthy.  

On Saturday morning, we made mango smoothies (another Betty Crocker recipe) and headed out for the "fun in the sun" segment of our weekend to the US National Whitewater Center in Charlotte.  This place was SO much fun.  We literally spent the entire day, and could spend 10 more without getting bored.  We went on a big zipline, did a ropes obstacle course that was 60 feet above ground, and went whitewater rafting.  Our intent was to finish out the day with kayaking on the Catawba River, but we got tired and our arms hurt, so we'll have to go another day.  They also have several other ziplines and obstacle courses, a lot of hiking trails, a zipline tour through the canopy, stand-up paddleboarding, etc.  To quote someone else, it's like an amusement park for active adults.

The Big Zipline

 Sean and me, all suited up for ziplining and obstacle-coursing

 A kid on the first obstacle in the "Canyon Crossing"

 Whitewater Rafting

 And finishing out the night with fireworks

This Great New House: The Breakfast Area

And my second project, and one that I was really excited about, was the breakfast area.

Previously, our move-in trash collecting area

 And now, our breakfast area.  This table was also a World Market clearance find and I was really excited when I saw it.  I had actually given up on finding a reasonably priced breakfast table and had bought my second favorite table at Big Lots.  And then, I went to World Market for my aforementioned umbrella and found this, exactly what I had in mind, for the same price :)  God smiled on me in World Market that day.  So I returned my Big Lots table and spent the better part of an afternoon doing "some assembly required" with 28 pieces.  Eventually, I'd like some curtains for this room, but for now, I love it as it is.

This Great New House: The Patio

Obviously, with a new house and relatively few possessions, each room is its own project, full of things that we'd eventually like to get for them, and aspects we'd like to change about them.  Since it's so pretty at night, the patio was up first.

My new Craig's List patio table find

Flowers

 I planted some english ivy that I envision traveling up this wall :)

 And my sanded/freshly painted patio table with its clearance World Market umbrella that I love :)

I'm going to go ahead and say I'm pretty impressed with how this patio turned out, and we love eating out here.