Trying

In these early days of parenting, I have found so much truth in the colloquialism that experienced parents tend to share with new parents, that parenting is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world.

As a new mother of a baby who's only (almost) 7 months old, I know that we have a long way to go, and already, amidst the commonplace difficulties of losing sleep, money, time, and flexibility, it's just so worth it.  Even the trying days have left me excited to see her again in the morning (or later that night, although obviously that's less exciting).  And while I had anticipated those things, it's the balancing that I have found difficult and (I think) that even if more seasoned parents wouldn't readily have cited the difficulty of balance as a motivator for the aforementioned colloquialism, that surely at least on some level, it is.

The physical strain, emotional strain, and all consuming scary type of love is definitely not to be underestimated, as I don't think that anyone could have adequately prepared me for the pull that our little person could exert on every facet of our existence, yet it is still the balance that always seems to leave me hoping (in the word's of the author of another article that I read recently) that my inadequacies will not somehow hinder my daughter and leave her lacking.  And out of this, I have felt a dependence on the grace of God like nothing that I had ever known.

There's the little decisions and balancing issues.  Really little things that I had never even considered are such hot topics on Pinterest, Mom Blogs, and general conversation, that I feel like it would be near impossible to handle them in a way that facilitates the growth of my child in the best possible way.  There's crying it out- how long do I let her cry so that she will develop self soothing capabilities, good sleep habits, and good problem solving skills, but not learn that I will not be there when she needs me?  There's the things like vaccines, fluoride, GMOs, baby led weaning, organic foods, and cloth diapering.  My pediatrician knows a lot more about child development and health than I ever will, but where do I draw the line between "just doing what the doctor says" and "having a questioning attitude"?  When I have a preschooler, will Christmas be magical enough even when I inevitably forget to move the elf for half of the December days and he didn't have a "north pole breakfast" to announce his arrival?  I can't even seem to get our card out BEFORE Christmas and that's basic!

And while I'm sure that all of those little things and decisions that seem so big now will ultimately not be, there ARE big things that I pray that we will find the right balance in.  How will we teach our daughter to be humble AND self confident and that her identity is not dependent on her looks or her skills or her intelligence but rather in who she is in Christ?  How will we find the balance between encouraging her to do well at things and letting her know how beautiful and wonderful we think that she is at certain skills without leading her to believe that those things, things that can be taken away, are where her worth is?  And then even bigger, brought to our attention by our e group, how do you teach a child about the grace AND the judgement of God?  That she needs to have a fear of the Lord, but that His grace is still sufficient for all of her shortcomings.  As she grows, how can we correct her while letting her know how much we love her?  What a responsibility that is to lead our daughter to know and understand these things.

Ultimately, I know that balance in these things and in all of the little things is something that we have prayed for and I believe that our prayers will be answered through each day with the little decisions that make up each day, each week, each year to grow our daughter into who she was created to be.  And to take the advice of a very wise woman who I was lucky enough to be a student of, on the days that I don't feel like it's true that He will answer this prayer, I still KNOW he will, and will fake it 'til I feel it.

So thankful for a God who cares about EVERY detail of our lives from cloth diapers and crying-it-out to leading our children to walk with Him.  And so thankful for this little girl who has taught me so much more about life, love, sacrifice, and responsibility just in the seven months that she has been here than I ever thought I would know.